Sunday, 15 February 2015


What a week it has been, I look at my billboard on Sunset Boulevard and think. "Is that me, over the moon and reaching the stars?"

I watched my film yet again and could see all the things I should add to it. I have some footage of a real life drama, a boy being chucked out of his house for drug taking, and the Ferrari I had rented was smashed up, as he left the house. It was raining, the car totally destroyed. Shall I add it?
I know that if I cannot be happy then nobody can be? I remember my children opening my eyes with their small fingers, trying to get me to be awake when I was desperate for sleep. I am now on my own,  the house is hollow and they have left for university.
Yesterday I received roses, pink beautiful roses from my gay friend who thought about the colour of them, and  some half dead white roses from the man who has a crush on me, but doesn't know who he has a crush on.  I put them into a vase together. The lack of meaningful roses tells me what direction I am going in. My mother said when I was little "You are the Pied Piper of Men". When I was little she used to tease me that she had never seen so many men around anybody, but you see I did not like them, I only liked the one hidden that I could not get.

Another friend threw down the telephone, as he felt I had not given him enough attention, while he mentioned three famous names, that did not interest me saying friendship should not be this difficult.
I got obligatory emails from the real men in my life, kisses, but with no thought, they hadn't wanted to believe in the "gaff." Later I went to a friends birthday with hundreds of beautiful hearts everywhere, there was no chance of forgetting what day it was. I had tried to but could not. Hearts everywhere. The man I truly love is with someone else, the one I like is there for me, and the old one has hundreds of obligations. I am alone, and not unhappy, just alone. Valentines day is raw and a reminder of what could have been but is not.

I saw on facebook that somebody had snitched one of the photographs of my parents, in their brief three year marriage and painted a red flower on it, Anthony Cave Brown and my mother Caroline Gilliat. The man on facebook had forgotten where it came from, and put a price tag on it without asking me if it was okay. I said "Remove the photograph" The Artist rang five times. He just did not get it. The price was £3,500 to be remembered and be painted. I thought it was tacky. On top of it I found out that my Father had another child which was illegitimate living Sidney.

I switched on the television and watched Imitation Game. I did not expect to like it a second time. I liked it more. I liked it because it talks about Sir Stewart Menzies. I had not concentrated the first time, I had not caught the name. My Father had written a book about him. The film came alive, I understood Enigma, I understood.  Benedict Cumberbatch's performance  acting Alan Turing was incredibly touching.  Should he win an Oscar or should Eddie Redmayne? Both were good and both deserve it, as does Michael Keaton for Birdman. In this case good to be nominated. The war between Harrow and Eton never ends.
I wanted to read my Father's book C about him, I wanted suddenly to read all his books. I have not read one, I just read the first paragraphs of each . I looked on line, I can buy them used or unused. I have some in storage. In storage?

That has all to change. Hoarding is not for me. Everything must change, because I am reaching for the stars.

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