Saturday, 26 July 2014

LEARNING TO DEAL WITH MY INNER PEACE

I am busy packing yet again. A friend says "Next year, let's rent a villa in Positano, we have to have something planned Amanda"  I am thinking I spent my first seven years on this planet counting the steps to my grandmother's villa she built in Priaino, the next door village. It was at least 200 steps up hill, my Mother used to complain that it was a huge effort taking my brother and I there, the heat and walking uphill were not for her.
Once my Mother also said if I wanted to go to boarding school, I could not have Summer holidays, I chose an education.Since then I feel I have never been off the metal bullet. The attraction though of holidays has diminished as the aeroplanes have disappeared from the sky in recent months.
However here I am again getting ready for a life changing experience. My younger son said the other day "You need to find out what you want to do for the rest of your life, go away to the Mayr Clinic, and during the week find out what you wish to do"
My younger son believes everything starts with food, so that even our thoughts start with that. I agree. So as my two sons have grown up and with their wings spread wide, I remember the Summers in St Tropez with the house full of people and children, with love and affection. I arranged classes for all the children, they had tennis lessons, dancing lessons, music lessons, art lessons, I virtually ran a school. Thank goodness I did because we have incredible memories. I had all my friends to stay, from the British leading artists, to a concert pianist, or a pop star, it was fun, there are many many stories, but times have changed, I am now divorced, my sons are adult, needing their own lives, and I am grabbing freedom for the first time in  25 years. It is a funny feeling to think that I may be on my own for the rest of my life. I don't like it, but equally I don't want to be with someone for the sake of it, or to be with someone who I do not get on with. I am trying to learn to deal with my loneliness.
Remembering those wonderful Summers at Maison du Cap, Rammatuelle with my ex husband, is a tricky experience. I loved having a mission in life, running the house, walking the dogs, looking after my children. I also loved having my friends to stay. It was one long party. I could easily feel depressed today as I prepare for the week ahead.  Everything changes and although I feel 18 I am a woman of "uncertain age" with experience and love of that house behind me. I am glad I had those years, but equally I am pleased to be forging a life for myself ahead. I entertained so many people, now, for a few days it is time for myself to think, a precious rarity, and a time to stay quiet.  I was offered so many trips with friends but all I want to do is think with a clear head, so this is the perfect Summer to do it. Austria here I come.

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