Tuesday, 4 February 2014

THERE IS A SPA IN THE HOUSE

Never listen to a man when they say they like fat women?  As I am naturally fat, and without my yearly diet, absolutely huge. Last year I had a dalliance, I can't say a romance because I never kissed him, but a dalliance I will call it. He used to say I should eat double, thank goodness for Tim Willis who said if I got any fatter he wouldn't speak to me, as he thinks it shows that you are slovenly and lazy. So quickly I jumped on the scales to find that the "bounder" lied to me I had put on a massive 14 pounds above what was my heaviest. At the horrendous age of 53 it wasn't showing, the 26 pounds of butter was not showing and I could get into my most favourite party dress? So where was it going? Clearly your face needs the fat after 48, and boy did I look radiant. My bottom was falling neatly above my knees. I called for my best friend Catherine Vanazzi, from Brazil, to whip me into shape.

I can't say the diet is easy or really fun, yesterday I managed to fall out with two friends. Oh well there are always ups and downs with me, and I hope that they will understand that it is part of my charm.
I am sleeping by an apple, no not diet pills, not sleeping pills, but an apple. This glorious piece of nature has to remain whole. I shall not be like Eve and weaken and eat the apple.
In the morning I tuck into half a glass of apple and kale which I swallow hoping that the taste will disappear and I run to the bathroom to clean my teeth which turn green. I am assured all product for Whole Foods and Farmers Market are fresh and healthy, but somehow, doughnuts have mega appeal this morning.

Then  I am allowed papaya which smells like poo with some nuts which have become a total luxury and I think to my utter joy that there was a little honey on it. I crept downstairs early to have an expresso and when the dietician disappears I shall get another.
For lunch I was told I was lucky to have a chicken mixed with sprouts, because the day before I broke the diet and went and had a nice juicy steak, I never eat meat, but I slipped off to Fred Segals pretending to shop, and gulped down this dreadful looking thing on a plate.  Literally the blood oozing. Something that is forbidden is most desirable.  Normally I think about the animals fear as I eat, this time I did not give a shit. I was in survival mode.

At night I am given some sort of slime which is supposed to be soup.  I have to tell you for the lack ingredients the slurp was just about tolerable.  There is nobody else in the house and I can't cheat because she can hear me creep down the stairs. But hells bells all this is worth it as I lost a pound in two days, only another ten to go.

Don't ever believe a man when he says "You need building up, that they want to devour your curves" especially down Sunset Boulevard as there is simply too much competition. A man could fall in love twenty five times from the Sierra Alta Towers to the Chateau Marmont. So believe me it is all lies…
Do the diet or die. At least Catherine is friendly, pretty and never mean..

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