Saturday, 1 June 2013


A sense of peace has come over me, heaven knows why. Maybe my hormones are changing and I feel at last calm and happy. Peace is sexier than always having to have a gun in my pocket. It is exhausting to always have to assume that a knife is in your back, better to hold a green apple and put a smile on it.

It is my fault I am to overtly generous, and in giving people like to receive a little too often, and the expectation becomes the norm. Now I shall try to avoid buying friends. It becomes a heavy load on my back. I like to help, I like to be creatively generous, but then you find that the very people you have helped, have placed you in an impossible position. You seem to have to keep doing it, otherwise they hate you.  It is an aggressive black mail that has happened to me often. Last night I was told that I had to pay for a film I had not asked for. I had told the man clearly I did not want it, but he assumed I would do it as he had been on the payroll for a few months. He now loathes me as I do not want to fork out for his lusty lifestyle.  I want peace and as I said, there is a green apple in my pocket.

I loved the beauty of ancient birds, wonderful in the handsome Turner Prize winner Jeremy Deller's  Britain's magic exhibition, for Great Britain's pavilion in Venice. "There is the magic of Wonderment and the magic of deception" Deller says, and I agree.  The power of the Harrier Eagle crushing the very hated Four wheel drive in its claws. Soaring and floating the magnificent pre historic creatures softly lulled me into a place of dreams. I want to swoop along hedgerows, hills and green. Suddenly I wish to be very English again and pick wild fruit, ride dye my hair brown and clean out stables. I have squashed the normal. I loved this work in Venice, this simple yet magical film, The flattening of Range Rovers, the steel band. Perhaps I felt that was too African/British/African for the content. I would have preferred the violin playing  of Thomas Gould.
I did not think it necessary to hear about the fiasco of the humorous  Prince Harry, sort of irrelevant when you have wings of a dove.

Why have a disagreement over money. Surely common sense should prevail in all instances and people should see when they are genuinely taking the piss. It is simply a question of knowing who not to ask.
Rich in spirit is easier, as shown by the birds.

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