Wednesday, 1 February 2012


This week I went to an AA meeting, yes Alcoholics Anonymous.  I do not drink, I literally have a sip every ten months or so, n'or am I a street drug user, pill popper.  I do not need to be in the group, yet I do.

Yes the facts are I am no where near as perfect as I would like to be.  I have so many foibles.  I know that I have similar brain patterns and I decided that I had better watch and take note.  Indeed there was so much in the meeting that was similar to my life that I am lucky to have had the parents I had. If my mother had not destroyed all friendships with people that took drugs and drink I would be in the gutter by now. As a child I would notice that I was on my own a lot. I  used to wonder where my friends had gone.  My mother would tell me not to be a door mat to my pals.  I hardly listened I just wanted to be liked. I have since been told by my friends that she would ring up the parents and say I had been naughty and could not go out therefore protecting me from the weaker members of my group who were happily high.
I find it quite remarkable then that after years of struggling with inner turmoil that I wish to say hello to serenity, but I do.  I realised I was making problems where there were none.  I just need to be kept at room temperature rather too much for this difficult world.
Today I have thrown away love letters from other times.  I love to keep everything but realised that people could be harmed and so decided the whole lot had to go, I will just live with my memories of a passionate life.  I also made a bargain with my friend Jack English to only buy black dresses with him so that they are totally perfect.  It is so tricky not to transfer with the addictive character I have.  I get addicted to people as well,  now overnight I just want freedom to clean up my act.

1 comment:

Vinnes said...

Living people possess something which is called life energy. That life energy, that powerful emanation which holds all our cells together and flickering, that vibrance which makes our blood circulating is something that we need to use and nurture individually. Time is such a commodity. Our life, or a game, is constructed with many levels and parallel stories but little original valuable experiences in general because they are replaced by the struggle in primordial marsh of the basics. Which sometimes at right moments can be quite rewarding. And this article I perceive as the decription of level 1 - the prerequisites. The more we spend time at these primal loops the more our life energy gets wasted on something which should be solved long time ago. And the clock is ticking...

"Time stopped, and I am still here." - should be the most beautiful achievement.