My conclusion, after doing a little therapy on myself, is that the reason I am so bad at romance is that I learnt everything from Georgette Heyer and Shakespeare whose wonderful rags to riches historical novels and plays appealed to my ideals.
I still want this. I imagine working as a scullery maid and finding out that my hidden father was in fact The Earl of Huge Castles. Suddenly I was left in the position as his only child and marrying the future King of England. I am happy reading yet another Anne Boleyn story, drama intrigue but not below stairs for me, unless they were a lover, so Lady Chatterley's lover must have created a line of thought somewhere. I never had a man living with me as a child, and there was no man around to make me understand man was a real thing. They were kings, knights in shining armour, and gardeners. They were glamorous and never ordinary. I learnt how to change plugs, change wheels, muck out the pony, garden, pay bills, organise houses, that is what women did. I grew up in the country. The only man who influenced me was my grandfather whose wisdom was way ahead of most other males in this country. He also loved me.
My uncle was a leading force but when you look like him, you can't find a copy. He was extra tall, very good looking and aristocratic.
I don't understand the male species, their need to watch football, play cricket, go running, learn sailing with strong desires also to be lying on the sofa gobbling or snoring. Dashing days from the 17th Century seem swallowed up by East Enders and Match of the Day.
I realise I am a lost cause and yet I still love them.
In answer to this dreadful joke..
The World's shortest Fairy Tale.... Once upon a time a bloke asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'... The girl said 'NO!'... AND THE BLOKE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER AND FUCKED ALL HER MATES AND RODE MOTORCYCLES AND WENT FISHING AND PLAYED FOOTBALL AND DRANK BEER AND ATE CURRY AND LEFT THE TOILET SEAT UP AND PLAYED ON THE PLAYSTATION AND FARTED AND HAD A WANK WHENEVER HE WANTED......The End. For all those confused females out there, it's simple. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him a fucking sandwich!
I realise now he is totally right, and I haven't a clue..