Friday, 24 December 2010

MY FAILING WAS NOT TO LIKE ORDINARY



I escaped from Christmas,
but not at all, nineteen years ago
My ex husband used to re wrap the 
presents I gave him and take them
back on the day after boxing day
my mother turned to him once and
said "Don't you ever do that to Amanda
again, and if you try to keep her in
the golden cage you are building
she will escape one day"
It was a huge production that I 
moved to Thailand a long time ago
and built it here..
Have a good day with your triple latte,
and be at peace with your solitude.
I think I find this the most difficult
thing.
Do I love you? I savour
every word you say.
I pay attention.
My failing is my ambition, in
the field of love..
I like extraordinary stories.
I should like ordinary
I would have been very much 
happier.
I built a double life once
in a flat round the corner
from my married life
I lived it for six years,
I was a slave to a thing
I thought was love
but when I fell in love
in love with another man
I realised I had been living
a myth.
Yet the story I then lived
was incredible, I once flew
to New York, I then took a taxi to
Connecticut, spent two hours
with the love of my life
and from there went to to
the airport and flew home.
The man never knew how much I
loved him
he may be still doesn't know
I made it look like it
was coincidence.
I could pick up one word he said
he never said more
and guess
the guesses were usually right.
The other day I was on the train to
Paris, I knew he was on the train.
I was vague about the time
I was leaving
I knew he was near
he wrote and said he was
on the train
in the next door carriage
I went and he had fallen asleep
with a mask on
I went and sat in my seat
I am sick I was happy just knowing
he was near me..
yet it was nothing
yet it was everything.
We met in the corridor
He came and kissed me later
as if we were friends
and our fingers just touched
we talked about nothing
the eyes said everything
and nothing
and everything
It is why
I have to escape
or it has to change
but his wife
is ill
and could die at any moment
yet not
in any case
I have to live
I say all this because
moments like this
mean more to me than
opening presents
I am on my own yet not
I have the boys next door
I have my friends
who nag me to eat turkey
in Thailand
and I am trying to scrub
away cellulite
to meet a man in
America who likes skinny
birds in January
  



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