AU REVOIR, ADIEU, FAREWELL

I hate saying good bye to anyone, I would rather disappear into the night than have that final kiss or farewell. I simply hate the feeling. I love everybody and even if I fight with them I have to hang onto small safety pins of hope that maybe they won't go. When I was a child I would make sure that I never had to say farewell. I would hide in the garden, or have a terrible headache. When my grandfather died, I loved him so much that I could not stand up for weeks, I was crippled and bent double, so bad that I didn't make his funeral.

It all seems so ridiculous. There is a terrible feeling of hollowness and darkness at saying 'I hope we will see each other again'. I would rather someone threw me out into the cold night air and slammed the door, than gave a limp kiss on both cheeks. Men I love, I can never say goodbye to. My brain is like cupboards full of old bones and moments triggered by music or stories spilling out over a page.

On another note, I am still furious that I was conned by a Southern Californian jock who I gave too much lolly to? How on earth do you get money returned to you in that lawless part of America? I am smarting with rage. In fact, that is the only time I didn't mind saying goodbye.