I have realised that since it is two yours that I have been on my own, all the men that have come into my life are completely flawed, and unliveable with. They may have charm, character,intelligence, money good looks that sound all right on paper, but they were also very selfish, cheaters, ungenerous, miserable and depressed. They were not worth leaving my husband for. I don't regret them, and there were good times, but I won't miss them either. No my life has to change and I will start with thinking only happy pure thoughts. I am in Los Angeles, and amongst the rotten agents and wheeler dealers, there is plenty of spiritualism going on. Whatever that means because all of us including me have so many faults. To match my faults will be impossible. So I shall first learn to deal with my loneliness. To cope with peace, silence and my heart beat, to listen to my fear instead of filling it up with clutter. I am generally a happy person, obviously with moods like everyone else, but I don't want to bore you to tears with that. No, I think chaste is the only way to go, and quite frankly anything physical leads to tears and disappointment. Woman just want too much and men don't want at all. I wish I was a man. When I think of them or any particular one they are waving good bye, so if I do "the secrets" this should stop. The fact is I am completely useless in relationships, and spend most of my time in pain rather that in love. The only love story I really enjoyed was one which was one hour every three weeks, that way I didn't argue. No I have to change.
Of course I was fine when I went out last night to a play on Melrose in Los Angeles, in fact chirpy. On finding the Moth Theatre, for a play by George Walker, called Adult Education, everything seemed to change. It started with "I love you" and the girl saying You're a good liar and ended with "I love you" and she said "I love you too" In between there were tales of continual human destruction of two couples intermingled by chance.. I was put in the front row which is a dodgy place to be put in at the best of times. Of course I felt very intimate with the sex scenes which were quite violent and abusive. The actors were totally believable and well cast. Jan Milewica as Donny a drunken and abusive policeman and husband whose wife played by Melissa Stephens as Pam, kicked him out for his infidelities with hookers. The energy he gave the part was moving and she was equally moving. Greta Seacat as Jayne a washed up lawyer, having an affair with a Donny's policeman and partner. Washed up and sexless, she was suitably aggressive and sexy unsexy. Dirty clean. Max, acted by Gary Evans was entirely professional. Feeling exhausted and moved by two couples, I left and quarrelled all the way home in tune with the play. Not boring in the least.