“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” (Walter Winchell)

Please, for goodness sake, tell me the etiquette of dealing with the socially ambitious who wish to befriend your ex-husband and still pretend to love you. It has become perfectly plain to me that people love to torture ex-wives by asking them the following: "Would you mind if we have dinner with your ex and his new squeeze?" I really don't know why, in the name of so-called amity, they love to rub your nose in your old shit. I'd prefer to hear the truth: they no longer like you, they want to get to him through her. But am I supposed to be above all forms of anger? These people always ask the same predictable way, and definitely want to go. It's almost as if the most attractive thing on the agenda is to say whatever will hurt the ex the most. As friendship is the most important thing in my life, and I have very clear definitions for this weird sort of relationship, I would not want to deliberately upset my closest pals. In fact I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say that, when offered tempting invitations with disloyal vibrations behind them, I have always said no. But then I am not interested in forming fickle bonds - though I totally understand the delicate art of business networking. I explained this to a very wonderful old chum, and he graciously refused an invitation from the squeeze, but there are plenty more who wouldn't behave so well. As my ex once said to me: "I don't understand the concept of friendship. Friends are the very people who stop you doing the very thing you want to do." Which is why I suppose I don't care if creepy pals want to disturb his peace. But why would the new squeeze be interested in such fair-weather freeloaders - other than to prove to me that such one-upmanship is interesting? As my real, sweet, friend David Collins once said to me:when he witnessed something of this nature: "These people should be careful, or someone will do the same to them." (And with chums like Madonna, he should know.) The squeeze should realise that this will be her fate. I give it two years.